The day before my 19th Birthday I was on my way to visit a friend when I totaled my tiny little sunfire and suffered damage to my left frontal lobe.
I don’t think about it that often anymore, except when I have flashbacks of memories that I lost in the crash. I owe my entire life to that crash, it changed everything about who I am and I am a better person because of the realizations I made after the crash.
I’ve gotten over the emotional stuff. I’ve gotten over most the anxieties that developed afterwards. I don’t get as scared anymore when I come up to a four way stop or a non-perpendicular intersection, although they will forever freak me out.
I’m fine. I think this is the first year I can finally say I’m really okay.
I wish I had those memories I lost. I wish I could remember my senior year in high school, my freshman year of college, and the other chunks of my life I can’t remember. I wish I could still remember trivia like I used to be able to, and I wish I could still speak broken french like I could before. Okay, I couldn’t speak it very well, but I could read it fantastically. Not anymore though.
I wish I didn’t feel so stupid when I can’t remember how to pronounce words. I play it off like a brain fart, or laugh at the fact that I’m an airhead, but I used to be so much smarter than I am now.
I wish I could remember what all the books on my bookcase are about. I’ll pick one up and have no memory of ever owning it, seeing it or even reading it, but they’re all my list of previously read novels.
Anyway, yes, there are a lot of things I wish were different post-accident, but for the first time in my life I’m okay with it. I have a man who loves me for me, even when I come off really unintelligent, or can’t remember how to do really simple things. I don’t know if he thinks I’m a bit of an airhead and loves me anyway, or if he knows deep down that I used to be more put together, mentally, and just lets me be me, for who I am now.
It’s all okay now.