Tags

, , , , , ,


I guess you can say I have mommy issues. I always have. It started off as an issue with ‘not being wanted’ growing up, lead to “you’ll never be good enough” and eventually turned into “I’ll never support you”. However, this isn’t about that. This about how it effects my day to day basis, while having nothing to do with her at all. I’ve strived for a good relationship with her my entire life, and put in far more effort than any person really should to maintain a relationship, but I can’t help but feel that she’s my mother, and by some sort of law of nature we should get along.
 
Back to my point here, every single day I see someone or experience something that wrings my heart out and destroys my emotional mindset on our relationship. Every time I think I’m over it and we are who we are and I should be happy for the friendly relationship that we do have, and stop fighting for the closeness of a tight knit mother/daughter combo, I come across something that reminds me that someday my mother will die, and I wont have any relationship with her at all.
 
I love my mother very much, even after everything we’ve been through together, but I’m not going to deny or butter up her character. She’s very much an introvert. She’s bossy and kind of selfish in a lot of situations (but not all, she’s very giving to some people, just not me), and she wont go out of her way for anyone. She’s not supportive of anything I do, well, she’s not really unsupportive either, just doesn’t really care either way and doesn’t care enough to ask if I was successful in my attempt or not. She always listens when I need her to but never cares enough to remember when I bring it up again later. She yells at me for doing the things that I learned from her to do, but refuses to admits she does them as well.
 
The point of my story here is this: everyday I see or hear or experience and elderly person with the same qualities of my mom. I run across them at the store, or call them from work on the phone. I read articles in the paper. They’re everywhere. Old women, who are bitter, and unkept, and mean, and they are alone. They’ve spent their whole life pushing people away and now in their last years they have no one. No one to help them in and out of their car, or talk to them at lunch, or help them sort through their mortgage payments and utility bills. Every day I come across an old woman who brings tears to my eyes and causes me to take five minutes before going on with my day. I get brought down so low to the point where I want to drop everything and drive home and try to make her see what she’s doing to herself, and to everyone around her.
 
[Please let me state, honestly, that my mother is a good person. We are just very different people. Just as she doesn’t agree with my lifestyle, I obviously don’t agree with hers either. However, I must say, that the relationship that we do have, as un-motherly/daughterly as it is, is quite good. We know how we feel openly and honestly with each other, and we’ve gotten past our personal issues with one another, and have created a friendship. By no means am I saying that this friendship isn’t good enough for me, because I am damn glad for what we have. We talk every single day. Our conversations are light and carefree, but it’s still a conversation. It’s the best we’ve got and I’m happy we have it. I consider her one o my closest friends, I just don’t consider her a motherly figure in my life, and that is my own issue].
Advertisements