I’ve been thrown through a loop.
Blasted by the storm.
Stomped on in the rain.
I was thrown under the bus.
I fell off the wagon.
I’ve been to hell and back,
and I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
None of that is true. But that’s how I feel lately. Like a mess of random phrases.
I know I’m having an honest to goodness emotional/mental quarter life crisis.
All the times in my life I thought I was in a quarter-ish life crisis I was wrong. Nothing compares to how lost I’ve been this month. I pushed people away and begged for their comfort at the same time. I spent an entire chunk of February crying and desperate for affection. I genuinely think at times I just needed something stable to hold me down and tell me everything was going to be okay, and I’m not sure I ever actually heard that simple sentence. I had close friends tell me I’m probably depressed [I’m not] and I had other good friends I’m suffering from anxiety [I was]. At points I honestly believed I had the ability to curl up and die, and other times I felt like I should just get up and run, be free, dance, whatever.
I haven’t been able to really explain what I’ve been going through. It’s not just turning twenty five, but I guarantee at least half of my problems revolved around that. Another part was a realization that I wasn’t ready to realize, even though I’d probably already known for quite some time. The most stable thing in my life was changing, and it’s the one thing I desperately and constantly try not to change. Change isn’t always bad, or permanent, but with the realization happening at the exact same time as the stress from my age, I wasn’t able to handle it. I literally wasn’t able to handle it, and I panicked.
However, I found my center, my strength, my inner-Sara and I regained consciousness into the real world. I accepted the faults in my life and I knew deep down that everything that used to matter still did, and that nothing inside of me or anyone else could change that. Instead of waiting for something to happen I used all my effort to let it go instead, and accept the hopefully temporary situation and wait it out. No one ever knows what tomorrow will bring. I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that it’s sunshine. It’s always sunshine.
I found a quote online the other day that says:
“Turning 25: when you start to realize that everything you ever thought you wanted isn’t exactly what you really want.”
That sums it up completely.
I’m fine. Don’t read so far into this and think worse than what it is. I was a bit broken for a few days. A bit emotional for a few more. I have the best parents a girl could ask for, and they nursed me back to health. I have a boyfriend that stands by my side, strong enough to put up with me, and gentle enough to love me after the panic has ended. I have amazing friends who sat by and listened when I wanted them too, and didn’t ask questions when I didn’t want to talk about it. My life is amazing, but everyone needs to be reminded of that once in awhile.
I hate to even post this, considering I’m feeling much better now, and if there is one thing I really hate its dwelling on… well anything. I hate dwelling. But, I’ve had so many requests for where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, and how I’m handling 25 and this is the closest thing I can offer you. I promise happy Sara will be back soon with her regularly scheduled programming.