I felt like I was being accused of a grass is always greener type the other day.
Turns out the person “accusing” me was actually just making a little statement that in no way meant that they were referring to me, but I took it to heart anyway and they got an earful for it.
It was one of those moments that I responded without any thought and my response was perfectly worded and honest and wonderful and I love those random moments when that happens.
But I’ve been thinking about it for days.
That grass that people refer to is never greener. Not at first at least.
It’s the motivation to make a change that causes the step off the original path to wind up being better in the long run. When you stray from your route, the other side of the hill is just dirt. There is no grass. When you believe it will be better, you plant the seeds for something better. You put the work in and you create a greener path.
The other side of the hill is never just ready and greener when you get there. There is nothing easy about stepping off your path.
When you reach a point in your life when you can honestly say you have absolutely nothing to complain about… because even though there are bad things, they’re so tiny compared the masses of happy things you have in your life… I will congratulate you. I will jump up and down and hug you; because this means that you have truthfully learned to forgive and forget. You have learned not to sweat the small stuff, and you have learned that you CAN choose happiness. I am there.
In a conversation with my mom today I said something in passing, but it wasn’t until later that I realized how what I had said was so incredibly profound. I realized the deepness in the truth of what I had said. I realized where I am in my life today. I told her the following: “There is no child left in me. There is no teenager, there is no early twenty-something. Those parts of me are just gone. I’ve felt this way for awhile but it wasn’t until now that it has felt like I’m 100% there. I am truly happy with who I’ve grown into. I am stuck in a strange transitional phase between where I was and where I’m going, but I’m definitely ready to get there”.
I’ve been saying for awhile that I am working on something amazing; and I was. I had a series of projects that I started in April, almost one year ago. I started these side projects and they’ve almost all come together. They’re not done, but they’re almost there. All of my goals, my one year bucket list plans… they’re almost all completed. Almost… and there should only be a few months until I can honestly say they’re complete. Never in my life have I been so motivated, and anyone who knew me before and still knows me now can see the changes my life has been through, and the results are wonderful.
My entries are coming around again, full circle I guess.
I wrote once a year ago, and I think a year before that as well, how funny things can be. How funny coincidences are. How each step you make leads to, literally and figuratively to the next step. And, I mean, obviously. Obviously everything that happens is a direct result of other things happening first. But I can’t help but believe in fate, in some form at least. How else can you explain such subtle, tiny coincidences?
Like the fact that timing truly seems to be everything. Each moment in time, each step. Each interaction… it all happens because the second you happen to be somewhere, someone else happens to be there, too. And if not someone, then something.
Everything comes together. Everything falls apart. Looking back, it all leads to the next step (like I said before, that’s because it has to. Time doesn’t ever just stop).
It’s incredible to me how now that I’m happy, I can’t ever find the words to say. Feeling the way I feel now – I guess it’s indescribable.
The point of this entry, actually, is how grateful I am for the tiny steps, the subtleties, and the right timing. Eight months straight I’ve gotten everything I need. I’ve had the bad news, the bad days, but each unfortunate event has led to the most amazing results. Some days I feel like I’m in a story.
And this time, it was this blog. This tiny thing I do in my random moments of spare time that has led me to a job that I so desperately needed at the time. So thanks – to those of you who know who you are.
There are a lot of people saying “don’t shop on Thanksgiving” and this is something I agree with. It’s a holiday, stores should be closed, people should be with their families. Then there are those who are like “quite your bitching, if you don’t want to shop on Thanksgiving, then don’t”. But this isn’t about the people wanting to shop or not, it’s about their companies who are requiring their employees to work. With Black Friday being what it has become, stores that are open are making it mandatory to be work that day, for the rushes and the sales. Boycotting Thanksgiving shopping unfortunately can’t help this years employees, but if we can make an impact by keeping stores empty, we can force the decision of stores staying closed in the future.
I don’t usually weigh into arguments, especially facebooky-public ones. But this one I care about. I don’t come from a family that has money. I come from a family that must work if work is available, and if they were employed at establishments that we’re open on Thanksgiving, they’d be there. They’d miss seeing their family, some of which they only see one day a year, and they’d be at work. This is an American Holiday. (and, Canadian I guess… in October, for their own, similar but not exact reasons, so I’ll say North American Holiday). This is not about religion or ethnicity. This is a holiday is meant for nothing other than caring about those you love and having thanks for what you have, who you have, and the life you live. For everyone.
The United States is so worried about spending what money they have, they forget the reason they have it. It’s not go shopping or get the best deal, it’s to live. It’s to live with what you have and what you can have.
I shake my head at our country every day.
I give a lot of advice.
I don’t know whether it’s good or not, but people tend to be happy after I give it. I have friends who are in need of help on how to handle situations in their life with their jobs, loved ones or friends and those who find themselves at a standstill in their lives, wondering what they’re next step should be. My advice is almost always the same for everyone, just worded differently in each case. As anyone who’s been reading my blog for awhile should know, that advice is always based on the thought of “do what makes you happy”.
In 99% of cases you can make the decision to change whatever is in your life that isn’t making you happy. It’s not always easy or fast, but changes can be made. Hate your job? Try to find another, it might take a while, but you’ll never find a new one if you don’t try, so try your damn hardest. Not happy in your relationship? Lay it out on the table, make it known. Have a mature conversation with your loved one and see what changes. Maybe the relationship ends, and that sucks, but now you’re left open to the world to go on and find someone who will make you happy, instead of being in a situation where you aren’t. Dramatic situations constantly interrupting your life? Stop talking about it. You’d be shocked at how much happier you will be just by not venting the drama anymore. Move beyond the negative in your life, leave it behind you. Embrace the little things. Enjoy the sunshine. Smile. Have a good day. You can do it, I promise.
It’s worth it.
I’m not an expert by any means. But if it makes you happy… do it.
There are things in everyone’s life they wish they could change in some way. I don’t mean regrets, or past experiences you should have done differently, I mean deep down, personality traits, practically genetic codes that make you the person you are. Maybe some are changeable, I guess but… whatever. You’ll see what I mean.
I wish I was smarter. It’s one of my biggest flaws. I’m smart enough; I know plenty of things and understand many concepts and theories and can carry on intelligent conversations. I have street smarts like no other, I have a 4.0 in common sense. 95% of the time I can always tell you which way is north and how to get back home, even if you drop me in the middle of nowhere. I not terrible with grammar, spelling, or pronunciation. I can problem solve, even in situations where I am uninformed. But I’m not that book smart. Not enough to satisfy my own desire for intelligence. I wish I could carry on conversations about science, governmental policies, and foreign nations. I wish I was obsessed with classic literature, or poetry, or Shakespeare.
I didn’t try very hard in school. I didn’t care at all about high school and I got through college as fast I could, not caring as much about the quality of my education as I did about the expected graduation date. I just wanted to be an adult. I didn’t care about environmental science or Roman Literature or World History in the 1700’s.
I wish I would have cared more.
I’m plenty smart. I am. I’m hardworking and when I do need to learn something, I don’t quit until I fully understand what I need to understand. If I went back to college now I honestly believe I’d be a great student. But unfortunately, due to the grades I received my first time around, and the lack of financial support I have, going back and having a re-do isn’t an option.
So that’s it. That’s my view on my one big personal flaw. I have many flaws, as does any person, but this is the one I’d change if I could make a major change in my life. Don’t take education for granted kids… you really will want to know this stuff someday.
Remember when you were a kid, and you swear you remember trick or treating really, really late at night?
I doubt it was that late.
Remember when you ate that HUGE burger all by yourself and you were so excited and told everyone in town?
I bet it wasn’t that big.
Remember when you were 22 and you dated that person who was so sweet and nice and awesome?
Oh right, looking back s/he was horrible.
So, what is it? Is it that we’re not seeing things clearly when they’re happening, or years later our memories are distorted? Did we really go trick or treating until midnight? Or did it just seem that late because we out an hour past our 8:00pm bedtimes?
Does it even have to be a childhood memory? Thinking back to six months ago I can’t figure out what the heck was going on. Was I happy? Was I scared? Was I even alive? I’m not sure anymore. I know exactly what I am right now, but I have no idea what I was then, or before.
How much do we truly remember anyway? I have brain damage, right? But maybe I don’t remember any less than any other person my age. We all have our reasons for forgetting. We all have our reasons for altering the story, whether we do it on purpose or we’ve trained ourselves to believe our own distortions.
So when you’re telling your story, should you be altering the facts, should you break down the story a little, making it less exciting? Why bother telling a story that isn’t exciting or that doesn’t have a point. Who wants to hear that you had a regular burger?
Tell the story of the great burger. Tell the story of the amazing feat you accomplished. For that matter, live your life like each thing you do will become a great story. Take the deeper plunge, the harder hill, the sweeter dessert. You deserve to have everything you work for in life, because you worked for it.
So if you want it, go get it. Go!
How does one “start over”?
I think I am actually doing it. Legitimately. One can’t really start fresh when they’re waking in the same apartment each day, going to same the job each day, and seeing the same friends each night. Can they? I suppose that’s the reason I’m finally doing something right. I’ve decided I need to start over and I’ll be doing it in a new city, in a new state, in a new apartment, at a new job, with no one there to support me (in person at least).
So fresh and so clean – clean.
I’m not expecting it to be easy. At all.
I’m expecting to be overly excited for a few weeks, and then slowly fall into a miserable pit of depression consisting mainly of “why?”.
Why did I leave my job I knew so well? Why did I leave my closest friends 1200 miles away? Why did I move so far from my parents? Why haven’t I made any friends? Why is my life so hard here?
[Hey, maybe I’ll get lucky and everything will fall into place without any work at all….maybe].
But the depression will pass. I’ll buy a bike and take the trails and clear my head and remember all the brand new opportunities I have. I’ll save up money and send for my parents to visit. Eventually someone will visit me. Eventually. I’ll get used to my new job and the new routine and I’ll make a friend or two and life will take off again as normal.
But, anything worth having is worth working for. I’ve never felt complete in Michigan. I’ve been close, but I’ve never stopped looking for the opportunity to do something more, move somewhere big, experience something new. So now I’ll work for it. I’ll start over. Hopefully I’ll find what I’m looking for.
Every time I get a message or comment on this blog since I announced the move, I’ve felt more empowered. It reminds me that I’m not alone on my search for something more. And every time someone says I’m relate-able, I swoon with happiness that someone else understands what I’m saying. So thank you blog-friends, you’re giving me more support than you’ll ever know.
When you’re young, your family consists of the people you are told are your family. You obviously have your parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters (including step-family members and half-family members). The closest people to you, the ones you share a home with, are just family, they just are. Then at events you meet distant cousins and random aunts or whomever, and your parents say “They’re family.” And you immediately accept them as family, because that is what you were told to do.
Then you grow up.
You’re parents will always be your parents. You’re brothers and sisters, for the most part, stay categorized as “family” in your mind. Some of your more distant family members could fall away and are forgotten. I think that depends mostly on who you are and what your family situation is like.
But when does a non-family member become family? How can you determine that?
I’ve been with my boyfriend long enough that I consider him my family. When did that happen? I have no idea. There just became a point where I knew he’d fallen into a new category in my mind. The same category Andrea Jean fell into many years ago.
This is one of those moments when I think ‘Is this too much? Where is the line between appropriate and scary when I’m blogging about my releationship? Is Kyle going to read this and think “ahhhh too much” or will he read this and smile and say I’m sweet? I guess we’ll find out….haha.
Anyway, I spent a lot of time thinking about my life, my friends and my family and where they all come into play in my mind. Thoughts about family tend to more towards “I don’t always understand them or the things they do but I love them very much anyway” this definitely is the case for Andrea Jean and I. She and I are very, very different people. But no matter what we’re doing, we both know we can be 100% honest about what we’ve done, the things we said or thought, or how we feel, and at the end of the day we will still love one another. We’ve been through a lot, we’ve said and done a lot of things to one another, but those things never mattered in the end, because we’re family.
I’ve grown to feel the same way about Kyle, except Kyle and I don’t have the same interactions as I do with Andrea Jean. With Kyle it’s more like “No matter what happens, what we’re doing or where we are, he’s always going to be Kyle and I’m always going to be Sara and I love him for that”. Especially during the rough times in life, you can see best how unconditional love can become. No matter how busy he is with school or work or friends, no matter how many days go without having a real conversation, no matter how much we dislike the random things that we don’t love about each other, he’s Kyle,I’m Sara and I love him and he loves me. Family.
It takes a lot to become family. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, interaction and a series of mutual mindsets. You can’t truly love someone unless they truly love you in return. It’s never one sided. I’m very lucky to have a sister in Andrea and a companion in Kyle. And my biological family as well ❤